Thursday, October 2, 2008

Thursday, July 10, 2008


Thursday, April 24, 2008


i am waiting... patiently waiting for paulo coelho to write my love story... eleven minutes is superb... ohhh...maria...

the true experience of freedom:
having the most important thing in the world without owning ot...

chat and lysine

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

I'm very glad to be back to school for the summer classes... I want to have a very positive change in my academic attitude... I am glad... very glad... God is so great... HE IS...

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

I am an angel... with halo and with wings... a wanton angel, crying... so wounded... well, life has no rules... and it is unfair,...don't bother, I'm used to it...I AM CRYING UNTIL i DRAin my tearducts... it's fine... 'cause I am in heaven...'coz I am an angel... with halo and with wings...

Look at me.. at my sad face... what can you see..? do you think I'M real or just a figment of your imagination? nah... of course, I am real... very real... that I feel like dreaming...

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

I am not Juliet, he's not Romeo, yet our love is closely related to their fateful immortal love. I am not Thisbe, he's not Pyramus, but we shared the same sad plight of fighting for our love regardless of the thick wall that stood between us. Our love is just one of the few of the starcrossed lover's tales with a hopeful wish that our love will prove others wrong.
We started as friends, a friendship that was quite so intimate, and that eventually developed into something wonderful - a feeling that was too hard to resist, and restraining its all-encompassing embrace to envelop us, was pointless. We yielded to it, with eyes closed to the world, but with open hearts to each other.
At first, he's just a friend to me, nothing more, nothing else. I was very trusting to him, so open, telling him almost everything about me - my passion, my angst, my ideals, my fears, and my loves. I was used being with him most of the time, and the moment our hands held each other, I could feel a completeness within my empty soul, a completeness that I won't trade for anything in the world, a completeness that I could just savour when we were together.
I was then nursing a wounded heart, and thought I couldn't move on, but he stood by me, soothing every bruise of my scarred ego, helped me find my lost soul, breathing a wind of optimism, encouraged me to move on... and I just found myself moving on...with HIM.
Being a hopeless romantic I am, I stayed awake one night contemplating on the budding feeling of deep care I had for him, and judging from his actions towards me, I knew it then, that my feeling was mutually reciprocated. I cried that night for a reason that I was happy knowing that we had a special bond, i,t's the silence between the two of us, yet, afraid of the consequences.
There's a feud between his family and mine, a political feud that seemed endless, and I knew at that moment, that if I continue loving him, we'd surely face a situtaion that was too challengong for us. J was really confused, yet in love.
In the summer of 2007, in April, a few hours before dawn, the two of us gazed at the wide expanse of the skies trying to spot the brightest star among millions of them, with the same wish that our love will triumph against all odds. That same night, we expressed our emotions wholeheartedly, in between tears, whining and lamenting for our love - a love that was and is beautiful for us, yet forbidden by the persons close to us.
We tried to conceal the real score between us, in fear that our parents and others would take notice of it, we tried so hard to hide our relationship, afreaid for it to be jeopardized. But, we couldn't contain our blazing emotions any longer, though we never spoke love poems to each other, our eyes and our actions betrayed us, and eventually, more and more people suspected that there was something really going on between us.
When my mother confronted me about it, I never uttered a word. I was silent, yet my heart beat like a noisy bass drum. Tears welled in my eyes as she told me to break it up with him. For it could never be the two of us, they didn't permit it. Our parents abhorred each other indidnantly, and obviously were against with our relationship.
His parents told him that our relationship was a sure foolishness, and what really pained me was, when he was told that he could love other girls but not me. That was a biggest blow of agony on my part. Because of my infamous life-driving in the past, to his family, I seemed to be a wrong girl for him, and his parents were against with me, personally. I admit I was and am not an angel, I am human, in any sense and my life was a mess, he came to my salvage, urging me to be more humane.
He accepts me for who I am, inspires me, and gives me a much positive purpose in life. People still judge me up to now because of my squandering and dalliance, yet he stands by me, backs me up when I need someone to make me feel significant.
There were a lot of times that I wanted to put an end to our relationship, for I pity him. His parents stopped trusting him when they knew our relationship. I couldn't bear to see him not in good terms with his family because of me. I love him so much and though not entirely willing, I could let him go, if its the only way for him to regain his parents' trust. Yet, everytime I opened the topic of setting each other free, he stopped me from talking, and hugged me, instead, for he told me that he was willing to bear all the pain the world can give if it meant loving me. We often ended our conversations with tears on our eyes, and a smile in our hearts.
Our relationship runs on for 10 months now. Although we're sailing on rough waters, we never surrender, we go on sailing, if a more cruel storm attacks us in our defenseless state, we are not afraid to drown together, and love each other more intense beyond forever.
In a world of lies, there is only one truth: hope.
And we are very hopeful that the world, especially our parents, will accept our relationship. We are still hoping and praying that our love will overcome all of these difficulties our love encounters now.
We are a modern day Romeo and Juliet, and Pyramus and Thisbe. Our love seems ridiculous and wrong to the eyes of others who don't understand in this very jealous world, but we fight for it until it hurts, for we value our love, we value each other, and we pray that we will overcome. We pray that the ill-fated tales of Romeo and Juliet, and of Pyramus and Thisbe's won't befall on us. We long to love each other beyond death.
"Both of us, too, can love, we , too, can be brave..."
Defeating the doubts and cowardice of our human nature, we take the challenge of proving to the world that our love is real, and we can make it up to the end. We entrust our love to God believing that He imparted us this gift of loving - of accepting each other in spite of the faults and flaws. We are confident that God desidned our love stiry according to His heavenly plan, not just with a fairy tale-happy-ever-after-ending, but also with a prayer that we will be together singing our love song in paradise.
Trials and opposition to our relationship can not shake the foundation of trust we've built to guard our love. In the meantime, we contInue loving each other and doing the right things for our parents to acknowledge, and would enable us to accept our relationship.
This will be our first Valentine together, and I silently pray that our Valentine story won't just end in Spring, but we will share every Valentine's day in the next nth years of our lives.

I was not supposed to be home this weekend, but just this morning I decided with all certainty that I do really deserve a rest - a relaxed mind, away from the city's sonorous din. I want to have a peaceful surroundings before I bear the torturous ordeal of this semester's prefinal exams.
Yes! All I ever wanted is the serenity of the mind - nothing else. But tonight, as I lay myself to sleep in the familiar embrace of my room, a never-forgotten memory of a past I want to diminish from my thoughts came to me, brandished itself in front of me - laughing, taunting me in utter mockery.
I want to go downstairs to elude such a defiling insult from this hurtful memory and to find solace in my mother's reassuring words, but fear overwhelms me, and I don't want to barge in my parents' room just to spill out the agony of the heart-wrenching pain my heart continues to suffer with for 2 years now. So, I endure the hex of that memory all by myself.
Earlier tonight, I got 5 bars of chocolate from my mother's choco jar. Actually, I didn't have any idea that I'd be eating them wholeheartedly this midnight, for I am, indeed, in sheer melancholy. It's a classic and a very stereotyped attitude to nibble on chocolates to be in the same euphoric state of being in love, and tonight I'm munching on chocolates because I'm quite blue, very much.
I am wide awake but dreaming...
I am going to tell you of an another kind of Valentine story, but this one isn't fictional, it's real, for it happened to me, and the quick yet hellish pain of that starcrossed and fateful love still castigates my so-wounded heart - a vexing pain that oerpetually consumes my hope for true love into a dying ember.
The story began in the night he texted me that all of his life he loved me, since we were just six years old. I restrained myself from laughing, to no avail. For me, it's quite ridiculous, but he kept on insisting that he was, he is, and he will for the rest of his life. I gave up, but still scrupulous, knowing him, huh?!
He texted me every minute of tha day until I became used to it. He was in Iloilo and I was in Roxas. That textmessaging blossomed into something really special, but still, I did not trust him, with his sugary-sweet and honey-drooled romantic words. He seemed too good to be true, err... too true to be good.
I had known him sine childhood, and he was a rascal! He loved teasing me, calling me names that I abhorred indignantly. He was an epitome' of haughtiness in any sense when we were still small kids.
I hadn't got a chance to get a load of him in high school, most, that I wasn't interested in him, or in the teenage guy he'd become, but, of course, I admit that he'd grown to be somebody I'd never expected him to be. At the age of 15, he was already a ladykiller, yet though I was amused of that metamorphosis in his being, I could never let myself going bananas for him, for he still remained to be that foolish creep who was really fond of getting into my nerves.
One morning, I didn't know what would be the appropriate reaction I'd make when I received a love letter from the last person I could think of - from him! Of course, I didn't believe every word he had written in that letter (that letter is still in the secrecy of my most personal and treasured possessions), duh, what a sordid penmanship he had! I knew that it was one of his nonsensical jokes and I was not silly enough to play along with his game.
Since then, we hadn't see each other. Years passed and I became apathetic of his existence. I was busy living in my side of the world, having no ideas of what kind of life he was living with.
At the height of Halaran's feisty gala in 2003, I bumped into him! He was with a girlfriend aat that time. Yes, I was quite more than surprised to see him very much different 3 yeras ago! He was the guy any girl could pine for - tall, fair, handsome, with a body to die for, plus, his eyes, that the thought of those beautiful assets of him gives a feathery sensation in my stomache.
That meeting was not momentous at all, for he was busy with his girl and I was busier partying with my friends. We met again in the summer of 2004, an April morning when the world was changing so was my feelings for him. I missed his bullying, which he never dared of doing again. He seemed to be a complete stranger to me, and because of that, I built a gap between us.
In August 2004, that night, yes, the culmination of this valentine story. I never expected that he'd call me up and told me that he was in love with me, even before. I was confused. He tried to explain what had happened and I listened. He wanted us to be a couple when he wrote me that letter but he was afraid that the miserable thing (his famnily problem) might make things worse and I would reject him for whgo he is.
I was speechless, silently debating with myself. It was pointless. What was he expecting from me? What would happen now? We both didn't know. Sometimes, it's very hard to accept people as they really are. Our expectations force them to be dishonest to others and most, of all, to themselves. I asked myself if I was mature enough to accept him (we were seventeen at that time). Maybe I was, maybe not. But it's worth trying, wasn't it? Besides, I'd realized lately thast I had extraordinary feeling for him - it's something wonderful - a lot like love.
I was happy knowing someone cared for me. The first time we met again (after 4 months) a mere handshake sent thousand of volts all throughout my numb system. His smile was perfect. and his eyes, ohmigosh! I was exceedingly thrilled! He was gorgeous, far different from the nasty six-year old I used to stuck my tongue out to eleven yeras ago.
I had to confess I had a boyfriend at that time, but to exist the moment I laid eyes on him. Since then I started to call him MINE. Yes, he was mine!
We secretly went out, hoping that each time we kissed, or feelings would deepen, leadiung to somtheing stronger and eternal. I became so trusting, so open, heedlessly giving in to something very prcarious. I considered each time we kissed, every hug we shared, and every walk we took as something very special. All those times spent with him were pure happiness and I thought, endless
I broke up with my boyfriend, and the two of us became you-know-what. Right then, everything seemed right. I was in total bliss in his arms. It was perfect.
Again, I had to admit that when I transfered in CPU, it was because of him. I wanted to be closer to him. I even let go of the opportunity to settle my LOA at the UP due to my desire to be near him. We were happy. We were used to be.
He was so sweet and I enjoyed every moment spent with him. But, he became very pssessive of me. He was jealous of nithing, of no one in particular. I felt choked by his love, but I accustomed myself into it, and sometimes, it felt very nice knowing that he couldn't afford to lose me. Yet, there were times that I felt like revolting. I knew I was wrong - very stupid. I was very upset of him those days that I found myself agreeing on a clandestine meeting with my ex. When that meeting came into his notice, we fought over it. The first and the bigest quarrel that ignited between us. At that moment, I'd learned that he had several girls at his disposal. I loathed him, but still loved him more deeply. He said that he loved me so mush tat losing me to another guy was hell. We sat back and talked, pretending that nothing unusually painful had happened. I was swept back into his arms. The hurt was gone whenb he told me that he loved me so much.
He was traumatized of his mom's infidelity. She left her family and ran away with another guy. His dad was devastated, so were he and his sivlings. He didn't want to experience the pain his dad suffered. I promised not to leave him ever.
I thought nothing would ever come between us and put an ened to our happiness, until my family learned about our relationship and they were against with itr. I was alarmed that our once so happy relationship would be threatened to end now that my family knew about it. I didn't want to lose him, never. My mother gravely opposed because she was told of my boyfriend's reputation regarding his infamous dealing with girls. She talked me out of it. I lied, yes, I lied to save the relationship. I told her that I had already called it quits with hi a long tme ago.
When he learned of the situation, he suggested that we'd resort to something that would make my parents dfenselkess. When I first heard his idea, I was dumbstruck, in horror and in surprise. I hesitated to agree, thinking of the consequential consequences we would be facing inevitably, but I couldn't afford to let him go. I loved him that much, most that he was handsome as sin himself. I blindedly agrred, but eventually, the fear of the high risk of our future, fortunately came to my salvage. I backed out. He hugged e and we were both in tears, holding each other tightly.
He proposed marriage at that very night. I was overjoyed. After that joy subsided, I was again afraid of our tomorrow. I was afraid of early pregnancy, unemployment, miserable life and other circumstantial cruelties we're possibly be facing in the days to come, but I agreed with him. What mattered at that time was our love.
Plans were made for our elopement. I was nervous and excited, very anxious of the day when he's going to be actually and totally mine.
A week of not receiving an SMS, a call, or a visit from him bothered me that much. So, one night, I was reaching out to heaven when he called me up. A call that crushed me terribly - a call that is still clear in my ears - a call that told me that it was just not meant to be. He called it quits between us.
He ended our relationship because he said, he was told by my friend that I was pregnant. We never had sex. So how could it be? He felt betrayed by me. It came to me in a total shock. I was tongue-tied, but tears fell endlessly, cascaded likje emeralds in the starless sky. He was out of breath the moment he finished delvering hios words. He hated me calling me just like his mom. That call ended with me having no words uttered. I ran to the bathroom and took a shower at 1:00 am. I was harrowingly hurt. I cried in anguisg and bewilderment. I could hear myself in drastic loss and deafening lamentation. I kept asking myself over and over again, "HOW COULD SOMETHING SO RIGHT BE COMPLETELY GONE?"
The next night, I received an SMS from him, telling me that he was sorry and that he should have given me a chance to explain, and that he loved me even more. I wanted to be back in his arms, for us to be together, but I was an egomaniacal bitch. I clung to my pride. I told him that I needed time to think it over if it's best to reconcile with him. I asked for space, for I was reallky hurt that he never trusted me and even believed in rumors.
It took me sometime to hold on to my pride. After the time I felt I was ready to be back in his circle, I was too late, very. I texted him, telling himn that I wanted to see him that afternoon, he told me that he was out, he'd be going to the city with cousins, I told him it's much better that we'd see ecah other in the city, instead. He didn't reply.
Still, I went to Arevalo to check on him, but he wasn't there, but, I waited until dusk. When I knew that he won't be back early that night, I decided to go back inb Jaro. I dropped at the mall in La Paz to buy some things for school, when,...whew... that scene still gives me pricks of aches. I saw him with an another girl. His arm was on the girl's shoulders. Instantly, I felt the pain surging through my entire being. I wanted to run away from that heartbreaking display of blatant insult that humilkiated me.
I could see his face turned pale when he recognized me. In spite of the building pain in my bruised heart and tattered ego, I maintained my composure and acted like I was quite all right - not affected and beamed my devil-may-care smile. I walked towards their direction in the counter' he smiled at me, obviously, he was uncomfortable. His girl was oblivious of the tension between me and him.
I approached him just like a longtime-no-see friend, he was trying to give me his explanations, but I was cutting him in midsentence to cover up my own uneasiness. Everything he was saying by that time was unclear to my hearing but the thing about his girl was downright clear to me up to this day - that they've been together for 2 years already.
I felt like I was being bombed. And in any time I'd explode in bitterness. I wanted to hate him, but my love for him illumined that fury that resided within me. I laughed a fake guffaw and slapped him soundly on the face, as if a joke, telling him that he could go to hell with his girl and I won't even care. We expressed those words in a laughing tone that no one would suspect that the pain was real.
I held my head high, chin up, and sashayed out of the mall like I owned the world, and after two minutes of owning that world, I broke into a cacophonous wailing the moment I boarded on a taxi. The driver looked at me with an indescribable face. I didn't care, I cried even louder.
I drowned myself in vidka and beer that sorrowful night. I was torn and jadfed. I met a man in his mid-50's that night. He asked me why I was so downhearted. I unashamedly told him of my sad plight, he listened intently, and with a warm smile, he gave me an advice, just like the one a kindly uncle would give...
"Don't wastre your life, child... he's just a guy, always remember, there are a lot of fishes in the ocean, but be sure that you'd catch the best among them all." I meditated on his words.
It took a while for me to forget him. It was so hard to go on, to stop thinking of the what-ifs. Doomed with my thoughts, I simply stopped debating with myself, knowing it was hopless to try to find the answers to all my questions. But, still I couldn't move on. Call it coincidence but one night, I was riding on a jeepney from one of the drinking sprees I'd been attending lately, I was the sole passenger when the jeepney stopped and two guys boarded on - of all he people, it was him and his cousin.
He greeted me, I just stuck my tongue out on him. He laughed. His cousin transfered on the front seat and I was alone with him. The driver had an idea of what was happening between us that he intensified the stereo, and Aerosmith's 'DON'T WANNA MISS A THING' filled the balmy air as we passed the streets of Villa.
He sat closer to me, and before I could keep dstance from him, his arms enveloped me in a tight-fitting embrace. That instant, I wanted to burst into tears. I loved him still, we were silent for a while, tears rolled down my eyes. He asked me if I was okasy, I told him that I was more than all right. He kissed me on my cheek to my surprise. He asked me if I had a new boyfriend, I said yes, for I was really seeing and exclusively dating a guy who happened to be his schoolmate.
He kissed me again. I struggled to be free of him, I was just hurting myself. He wanted us to talk but I told him that I was drunk, and theree\ was an urge to puke. We separated that night with him kissing me one more time on the lips. It was a very short kiss, but the effect was heavenly. I cried inwardly. I missed him so much. That night he texted me, he desperatekyt wanted me back. I cursed him.
Days passed and he was still bugging on me. But this time, I was more stubborn. I didn't give it a chance. My pride was jaundiced, so was my heart. Despite the overpowering desire of wanting him back, I was in doubt to compromise myself into another chance tat didn't have an assurance that I'd be happier and won't be hurt again.
I completely ended everything between us. It was very hary but I knew I had to. But, after all those months of having no communication, I still hoped that someday our love will triumph, and we will end up together as we've planned before.
Since then, I didn't see him again.
June 13, 2004... my heart leaped a thousand miles in joy as my sister told me that she met up with him and that he asked about me. I thought it was a sequel to our love story. Again, I was hopeful, only to be dismayed the next day when my bestfriend told me that my ex was getting married for he impregnated a girl(the one I'd seen with him at the mall).
I was told that the wedding was planned but was postponed because he didn't want to, fr a reason that concerned me. But, for aome reasons, still, it took place. They were married and I was marred.
I'm not going to tell you of the gory details anymore, for they just torment me. But just like any other girl, I was wanting him back, but see, that would just be quite impossible. Everyday for me is one big nightmare. I walk, go to school, talk, l.augh, everyday but feel I am asleep. Wide awake but dreaming, so to speak, and I would like to snap out of that dream already to get on with my life.
Though I completely love him still, I'd take the slowest and the right gradual process of forgetting him. I don't want to see him again, though it's inevitable for us to come across with each other, but I don't want to see him when the wound still swells with too much consuming pain. The agony I suffer right now is unbearable, yet I have to endure it. I have to for the sake of my quest for a brighter view of the horizon.
TO E..... thank you... I've learned a lot from the relationship... I've drained my tearducts because of you... as I write this part a song fro Bellefire, I'LL NEVER GET OVER YOU is being played on the radio and it intensifies the infernal pain in my heart.
I have to admit that I'm having a hard time accepting the fact that we are not meant to be. I don't want to waste all the words in my vocabulary just to shot you with all the aches that pinch my heart with, for they are now in vain - we could never be ending up together and fgor the very last time I say this to you... I LOVE YOU SO MUCH...I don't know until when...
I'm now nursing a broken heart, recuperating from the fatal scratch a two-edged lancet of life's reality has inflicted on me...well, all I can say is...not all love stories have a happy ending, yet, I'm grateful that even though I've been hurt, I LOVED TRULY...In love it's not doing the best thing but the right one.

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Thursday, February 14, 2008

'd bus

Ang pagco-commute sa isang public bus ay isa sa mga bagay sa bughaw at berdeng planetang ito na nagpapairita sa akin. Halos buong-buhay ko nang ginagawa ito, pero, hanggang ngayon ay kinaiinisan ko pa rin ng buong-buo, at never kong mamahalin ang ganitong uri ng iritasyon. Nakikinita ko ang aking dear bitchy self sa loob ng crowded bus kasama ang mga unfamiliar people, nagsisiksikan tulad ng sardinas sa loob ng maliit na lata. Hindi ako maarte, kaya lang hindi ako sanay sa maraming tao, lalo pa at hindi ko mga kakilala. At the mere sight of them, nahihilo ako. Walang sariwang hangin na malalanghap kundi ang magkahalong amoy ng mga nasal congestive perfumes at nakakasukang amoy ng pawis.
Madalas akong nakaupo sa tabi ng bintana para doon ibaling ng aking paningin sa mga tanawin sa labas at para ilayo ang aking tsinitang mga mata sa loob ng bus. Kailangan ko ng hangin para mapakalma ang aking sarili.
Isa pang madalas kong kinaiinisan ay ang pagkakaroon ng madaldal na seatmate. Masyado na akong maraming kaibigang talkative kaya hindi ko na kailangan pa ng karagdagang sakit sa tenga. Gusto ko ng katahimikan habang papauwi sa probinsya mula sa maingay na lungsod.
Sad to say, hindi ko pagmamay-ari ang bus, kaya napipilitan akong itikom ang aking bibig, at kahit ano pa katindi ng pagkainis ko, ay hindi ako magbibitaw ng salita o magmumura (kung saan napakagaling ko), lalo pa at nahaharap ako sa hindi maiiwasang pangyayari na labis na nagpapairita sa akin - at ito ang pagco-commute.
Tinakpan ko ng panyo ang aking ilong na masyadong maselan sa allergies. Ang amoy ng krudo ay nagdadala ng nakakainis na kiliti sa ilong ko at naggiging dahilan ng aking paghatsing. Paghahatsing na nagdadala ng libu-libong viral bacterias to the already polluted air.
Napakainit ng hapon na iyon. Nakaupo ako sa punit na upuan ng bus - na dahil sa tagal ng panahong pagsisilbi nito ay konti na lang ang natitirang foam; katabi ang aking ilang bags, paper bag na naglalaman ng ilang libro, at isang caddy ng gummy bears.
Inis na inis na ako dahil sa matagal na paghihitay na makaalis ang bus sa maingay na terminal na 'yon. Goodness! Nakaupo ako doon na mahigit isang oras at ang bus ay nananatiling hindi pa umaandar. Nagsawa na ako sa paglalaro sa aking mobile phone, at kahit inanatok na, ay pinaglalabanan ko 'yon dahil baka magising na lang ako na ang tanging natira sa akin ay ang aking puri at dangal, dahil sa dami nang nagkalat na mandurukot. Minsan na akong nabiktima ng isang walang konsensiyang magnanakaw sa mismong terminal na 'yon - na gustung-gusto kong isumpa nang dukutin nito ang cellphone na birthday gift sa akin ng parents ko.
Gusto ko ng magmura, as in! Kakainis! Nangangamoy na ako tulad ng sunog na mais - tiningnan ko ang aking mukha sa aking handy mirror - gosh! Pimples! Eii! I was about to wobble my knees in dread exasperation nang pumanhik na ang matandang driver at bumusina. I did smile - promise - ngumiti talaga ako, out of delighted high spirits and relief! At last, umaandar na ang bus at nagsimula ng gumalaw. Oo, gumagalaw tulad ng tamad na pagong sa gitna ng traffic. Para kaming sumusunod sa prusisyon ng patay na ililibing.
Mabuti na lang at wala akong katabi sa upuan. I grinned inwardly. Nakikinita ko na ang aking sarili na makakatulog ng mahimbing in any minute. Ipinikit ko ang aking mga mata at dinama ang malamig na simoy nag hangin kasama ang banayad na sinag ng araw na tumatama sa aking pisngi. Nakakapagdulot sa akin 'yon ng mapayapang pagkakahimbing, at maya't maya pa ay, nanaginip ako ng mga bakang may pakpak, at nagsasalitang mag donkeys, kung saan naglalakad sa latian na natatakpan ng iba't ibang kulay na marshmallows - ang mga lollipops ay namumukadkad mula sa mga silver trees at merong naggagandahang rainbow-colored roses' petals na nahuhulog mula sa pink clouds na gawa sa cotton candies - at ang mga ibon ay kumakanta ng isang familiar song.
Narinig ko na may tumatawag sa akin mula sa kung saan. Hinanap ng aking mga mata ang pinagmumulan ng tinig, at parang pinukpok ng martilyo ang ulo ko pagkakakita sa isang napaka-guwapong lalaki - nakangiti...
"Excuse me..." isang boses ng lalaki ang gumising sa akin. Hindi ako dumilat o gumalaw. Naiinis ako dahil sa intrusion ng kung sino mang damuho na naging dahilan ng pagkaputol ng aking panaginip. Ayaw kong dumilat, dahil ayaw kong makita ang view sa loob ng bus. Mabuti pang habang-buhay akong tulog at mamuhay saaking ilusyunadang panaginip kaysa ang magising sa loob ng bus.
"Excuse me, miss...your big butt occupies the entire seat. Puwede bang umusog ka ng konti...: naririnig ko na naman ang boses ng lalaking 'yon na tila natatawa. At dahil sa sinabi niya, naragdagan ang sakit ng aking ulo.. Aba, nagahahanap yata ng away ang bruhong 'to. Inaamin ko, may kalakihan nga ang pang-upo ko, pero, napaka-hyperbolic naman yata para sabihin ng unggoy na 'yon na inuukopa ng puwet ko ang buong upuan.
Bigla kong binuksan ang aking mga mata at sabay na ibinuka ang aking bibig para awayin ang lalaking 'yon - ang antipatikong lalaking 'yon - para lamang muling isara nang makita ng aking dalawang mata ang may-ari ng tinig na 'yon. Nakangiti pa siya.
Sumasal ang tibok ng puso ko.Ashton Kutcher!Nakatayo sa harapan ko ang isang guy na may malaking pagkakahawig sa tremendous crush ko sa Hollywood. At ang lalaking ito, aaminin ko, sa tingin ko lang ha, ay mas guwapo pa kaysa kay Ash, as if Mother Nature had pulled out her dummy again and pared and fashioned until she had come up with a first-hand, ameliorated version of what had been pretty darned awe-inspiring in the first place.
Matangkad siya, towering easily over my own height. He stood with a looseness and lankiness that I found instantly alluring. He had the same effortless grin as Ash, in a face that was more sculptured, more striking, with a long straight nose, animated, genial and convivial eyes - a high forehead beneath a cap of black hair as lustrous and deep in hue as a starless sky. The guy, to put it laconicly, was a ladykiller! Ang guwapo-guwapo niya!
Para akong namalikmata, nanatili akong tulala habang pinagsasawa ang aking mga mata sa katititig sa kanya.
"Satisfied with what you're seeing?!" sabi niya sa natatawang tinig.
Doon ako natauhan, dali-dali kong inilayo ang paningin ko mula sa kanya, I was greatly embarrassed. Nagkibit-balikat ako para itago ang kakatwang damdamin na biglang napukaw sa loob ko.
"Nothing is so extraordinary - walang kakaiba," depensa ko sa aking sarili. May pakiramdam ako na hindi siya naniniwala sa sinabi ko. Puwes, wala akong pakialam, kinuha ko sa upuan ang mga luggages ko at kinandong. Umusog ako palapit sa bintana. Umupo siya sa tabi ko na may ngiti sa kanyang mga labi. I found him devastatingly damn kissable. Ipinilig ko ang ulo ko para ipagtabuyan ang tila abnormal thoughts ko tungkol sa kanya.
"Ang dami mo naman yatang bagahe. Bakit maglalayas ka ba o may tinatakbuhang ulyaning matandang mapapangasawa?" nag-init ang tenga ko pagkarinig sa sinabi niya. Aba, ang unggoy na 'to, feeling close at nanunukso pa.
"Are you talking to me?" I snapped.
"Yeah, I think so..."
"A, ganoon...pwes, 'wag kang mag-aksaya ng panahon mo, dahil wala akong ambisyon na makipag-usap o makipagkilala sa'yo. It is not of your damn business kahit scraped metals ang laman ng bag ko, at mas lalong wala kang pakialam kung maglalayas man ako!" ang tinitimpi kong pagkainis ay tuluyan ng lumaya at malas lang ng mestisong unggoy na 'to at siya ang napagbuntunan. "Kaya, kung wala kang magawa sa buhay mo, 'wag mo akong pakikialaman, have a bite of dust and evaporate!"
Akala ko ma-o-offend siya dahil sa sinabi ko, nagkakamali ako, dahil sa halip, tumawa siya ng malakas.
"Why, never kong ini-expect na suplada ka, Babe!"
BABE?! "Don't you dare call me Babe. Hindi ako baboy and I certainly don't look like one! Bakit, ano ba ang inaasahan mong maggiging reaksiyon ko sa pakikialam mo sa akin? Maglulundag sa tuwa?! Dream on!"
"Okay, sorry kung naiirita ka dahil sa curiousity ko - "
"Fine, excuse me, but I don't talk to strangers - "
"Ows? Talaga? Well, as far as I am concerned, kanina ka pa nakikipag-usap sa stranger, sa akin!"
"Argh, will you shut up?! Ba't ba kinakausap kita?! Wala naman akong pakialam sa'yo!"
" You are talking to me dahil hindi mo kayang i-resist ang charm ko!"
Yikes! The nerve of that guy! Ang kapal ng mukha! Masyadong mahangin, palibhasa totoo naman na guwapo siya. Pakiramdam ko umuusok ang ulo ko sa sobrang inis.
"Oo, tama ka nga, napakaguwapo mo! Pathetic, masyado kang desperado!" pang-iinsulto ko pa sa kanya.
Mas lumakas pa ang tawa niya. Niyakap ko ang mga bags ko palapit sa akin, at nagkunwang inaalis ang mga alikabok na kumapit sa isa kong bag para i-deny ang existence ng guwapong luko-luko na nakaupo sa tabi ng pagod kong katawan. At para hindi na maragdagan ang ang pagkapahiya ko, ay pinaglabanan ko ang urge na tumingin sa direksiyon iya. Pinilit ko ang aking sarili na i-enjoy ang view sa labas ng bintana, at para na rin hindi masilayan ang guwapong mukha ng katabi ko. Masakit na ang ulo ko, at nagkaka-neck strain pa ako, pero, kailangan kong i-endure ang sakit 'wag lang tumingin sa katabi ko. Alam kong alam niya ang nangyayari, dahil naririnig ko ang mahinang tawa niya, kung inaakala niyang magkakandarapa ako sa kaguwapuhan niya, pwes, he's definitely right - nyeh... wrong pala! Never!
All of a sudden - hindi ko inaasahan, a stupenduous burst of magic blasted in a maximum ignition nang dumaiti ang siko niya sa siko ko. Ang kauna-unahang pagdikit ng balat niya sa balat ko ay tuluyang gumuho sa lahat ng protection na itinayo ko para sa aking sarili - that brief physical contact powedered down all my defenses - pakiramdam ko ang simpleng pagdaiti ng mga balat namin ay nagdala ng pagbabago sa buong buhay ko - in my 19 years of life, pakiramdam ko naging kumpleto ang buhay ko dahil doon. As two flesh bumped into an uninvited collision, it caused myriad of avalanches to my riveting senses. Nanlamig ako! Whaaah!
Sinadya kong bawiin ang kamay ko. Napaka-obvious ng ginawa ko, at nakita ko siyang nakangiti. Nakakasuya! Nakakahiya! I wished I would vanish in no time!
Ngumingiti pa rin siya, in spite of myself at sa nararamdaman kong animosity towards him, nginitian ko rin siya. Ang gusto ko sana ay ngumiti ng pang-iinsulto, pero, iba ang nangyari. My smile was quite real! Sa tingin ko kasi, there was something about the way his smile ruptured over his face like the sun becoming apparent, dawning on a new day - at tila napaka-imposible na hindi ako gumanti ng ngiti kahit alam kong iniinis niya ako.
Habang ngumingiti ako ay tinitingnan ko ang mukha niya, natigilan ako - nagniningning ang kanyang mga mata. At hindi lang 'yon ang nakikita ko, dahil in their dark unfathomable depths, may nakikita akong iba, pangungulila na tila ba patungkol sa akin. Mabilis kong ibinaba ang aking paningin, siguro dahil sa aking sariling pangungulila ang naging sanhi para makita ko 'yon, kahit na napakalinaw sa akin na mula 'yon sa kanya. I felt I was so vulnerable - mahina. Damn! Nagkakagusto na yata ako sa lalaking ilang minuto ko pa lang nakakasama, ni hindi ko pa alam kung ano ang pngalan niya. Hep! Masyadong maaga! After all, he's a stranger! Binawi ko ang paningin ko mula sa kanya at inabala ang aking sarili sa pag-arrange ng aking mga bags sa aking kandungan.
"Siguro, mabigat 'yong mga bags mo," narinig kong sabi niya, "ibigay mo sa akin at ako na ang magdadala para sa'yo."
Bago pa ako tumanggi ay nag-umpisa na siyang kunin ang mga bags ko. Sa muli, our bodies made contact with each other at nanginig ako. Langhap na langhap ko ang pabango niya. He's so masculine. Pumikit ako ara ipagtabuyan ang masarap na damdamin na dala ng aming pagkakalapit para lamang matagpuan ang aking sarili na nahahatsing! At 'yun na! Prang gusto kong isumpa ang aking allergies sa pagsira ng aming moment toigether.
"Excuse me..." tanging nasabi ko matapos ang kahiya-hiyang paghatsing na yumugyog yata ng buong bus. Iba-ibang mukha ng mga pasahero ang nakatingin sa akin - iba-ibang reaksyon - ng pagkagulat, ng pagkainis, at ang iba nama'y natatawa! Bakit, ni minsan ba ay hindi pa sila nakakatagpo ng isang tao na kung humtasing ay daig pa ang nakakatakot na tunog ng kulog?
Habang nakatingin ako sa sari-saring mukha ng mga tao, a tv toothpaste ad paraded its ingenuous concept in the ridges of my tattered brain. Indeed, in a sea of strangers where everyone is just a face, one could stand out for just his smile - at katulad nu'n ang eksenang kinapapalooban ko ngayon.
"It's all right..." narinig kong sabi niya, "pero, babe, gusto ko lang ipaalam sa'yo na, naligo muna ako bago sumakay sa bus na 'to!" hay, napakadaldal talaga ng mokong!
"Yung cologne na gamit mo ang cause ng paghatsing ko! Ano ba ang brand name?"
"Sure, what else?" Para akong palaka na nagulat dahil sa boses ko. Naiinis ako sa aking sarili dahil para akong lovesick teenybopper na kanakabahan at kinikilig sa t'wing makikita ang crush! "Ganyan ka ba talaga na hindi nakakaintindi sa sinasabi ko?! Tinatanong kita kung ano ang brand name ng cologne mo!"
"AKO!" malinaw niyang sagot. Uminit ang pisngi ko!
"A, inaamin mo na ang iyong sariling amoy ang dahilan ng pagkakahatsing ko!" One point for me! Ewan, pero, ako 'yung tao na hindi nagpapatalo sa ano mang word war!
"Nah... Personally, hindi ko alam - hindi kasi ako gumagamit ng cologne, eh..." at na-gets ko ang point niya. Gusto niyang isipin ko na hindi na niya kailangan pang gumamit ng cologne para maging attractive siya sa opposite sex. Uh... damned if he probably wasn't right! Super kapal talaga!
Tiningnan ko siya ng masakit, at ibinaling ang paningin sa labas ng bintana. Maraming mas importanteng bagay na daat kong isipin kaysa makipagclose sa isang estranghero na ubod ng presko! Hay, pero kahit anong pilit ko na ibaling ang pag-iisip sa iba, hindi ko magawang alisin sa isipan ko ang guwapo kong katabi. At sa loob ng dalawan oras o mahigit pa ay makakasama ko ang anonymous clod na 'to - ano'ng daat kong asahan? Oo nga, guwapo siya, pero, nakakainis naman, pero, hindi ko magawang i-ignore siya. Tiningnan ko siya ulit.
Hinuli niya ang mga mata ko, "Talaga bang nagaguwapuhan ka sa akin, babe, at panay ang panakaw mong sulyap?"
Hep, kumalma ka, dear self, "Hm... no... iniisip ko lang na na, napakamalas ko dahil nakatabi ko ang pinaka-conceited na E.T. dito sa mundo naming mga tao."
"Oh, really? Sigurado ka? E.T. ako? Extra Tempting na hindi mo kayang i-resist ang nakakabibighani kong kaguwapuhan?"
"Duh...kilabutan ka!"
"Uh-oh... sweet liar! Ngayon, sabihin mo sa akin, why do you find me so darned captivating?"
Hindi man lang nag-iisip, na tila ba nawala ako sa paraiso, nasabi kong: "Kamukha mo kasi si Ashton Kutcher, my crush -"
"Heehaw! So, that's it!" nanunuksong sabi niya, na ikinapamula ng mukha ko, "pero, bakit si Ashton Kutcher?! Bakit hindi 'yong ibang partikular at hindi masyadong ma-ambisyon na crush?!"
"Gusto ko si Ash, that's why..."
"I see, bakit? Talaga bang magkamukha kami?"
"In some ways, oo..."
"Could you be more specific..."
Katulad ng madalas kong sabihin sa mga kaibigan ko sa tuwing kinukulit nila ako kung bakit si Ash ang crush ko, sinabi kong..." Kasi, para sa akin - ang guwapo-guwapo niya!"
Naningkit ang mga mata ng katabi ko, "Ah, kaya sa palagay mo magkamukha kami!"
Huling-huli ako! Hindi ako tumitingin sa kanya. Kung hindi ko siya titingnan, siguro titigil siya sa pag-eexist. Hindi ako sanay na magsabi sa kahit sinong lalaki na guwapo siya lalo pakung napaka-obvious na talagang guwapo siya. I cleared my throat.
"Objectuvely speaking," sabi ko, at last, "oo, sasabihin kong guwapo ka nga," tumingin ako sa kanya. Sinikap kong maging natural ang dating ng sinabi ko. Pero, ng magtama ang aming mga mata, alam kong ang kanyang mga mata ang dahilan kung bakit nanginginig ang mga tuhod ko, napakahirap umastang hindi ako affected. Ibinaba ko ang aking mga mata.
"And speaking personally?" umusog siya palapit sa akin. My breath caught inside my throat. Pakiramdam ko lumaki ang puso ko dahil naririnig ko ang malakas na tibok nito, maingay tulad ng bass drum sa marching band. Waaah! Ano ba 'tong ginagawa niya sa akin?! Usually, I consider myself as the most pragmatic of all human beings, pero, ngayon, punung-puno ang ulo ko ng mga uncertainties.
Tumigil ang bus, at natigil ang akingpag-iisip. Isang lalaking lasing ang sumakay ng bus. Lumapit ito sa upuan namin at ngumiti ng nakakaloko. Kinabahan ako. Tumingin ako sa katabi ko, ay naku! Napaka-kumportable ng pagkakaupo niya, na tila bang walang pakialam sa paligid niya.
Bigla akong nagsisi dahil sa pagsusuplada at paggigig unfriendly ko sa kanya. Nahaharap ako a isang sitwasyon na walang mahihingan ng tulong. Haaayyy... ano ba naman 'to? Uupo na ang lalaking lasing nang hindi ko inaasahang makiialam ang guwapong antipatikong katabi ko. This time, salamat sa kanya!
"Pare, pasensiya na, eprokailangan kong makatabi ang girlfriend ko," kalmado niyang sabi. Nadismaya ang lasing, at na-shock ako," Alam mo kasi, pare...nahihilo 'tong girlfriend ko sa biyahe lalo na 'pag nahanginan ang likod niya. Mahina kasi ang baga niya, hindi kaya ang lamig," he was pulling a fast one to obviate me.

Sunday, February 3, 2008

I am in love with TAMAHOME... agawon ko gid xa ya kay MIAKA

until the pigs learn to fly

i am in love, yes very much, ... hEARing the song LIPS OF AN ANGEL gives me thrills in my entire system, I really find it so funny that I want to cry... I miss a lotof my old self... the best and beautiful part of my life... I am quite tired of being a prodigal, a pariah of my own self... argh!

Am I a Witless Wonder or the World's Smartest Idiot?

Yes, don't get me wrong people...I AM JUST ALL RIGHT... just a bit dazed and jaded, but I am fine. Tomorro, or mayb a day after tomorrow fades on my view, I'm gonna write something normal...Oh, c'mon...I'm getting crazy so I think I'd better end this parlance of stupidity for now...
I am a MAROON-BLOODED GURL WITH A BROKEN SMILE. People often misunderstood me, yes, I lead a very misunderstood life, but I'm not bitter with it. In fact I'm glad, for Muhammad Ali once said, "to be great is to be misunderstood..." I'm still normal, living a subnomal life , and I'm quite thrilled that people close to me treat me with respect I think I truly deserve inspite of the 'above normal life' I live.
I am an incurable and hopeless romantic who is in search for someone whom I could consider as the GREATEST POET SINCE SHAKESPEARE. My penchant for LITERATURE is eternal though I am unoblivious that my life is ephemeral. I am still sane despite my bizarre locquacity. I'm not a talker but I am a speaker. I am not just a hearer but a very good listener, above all, I am not human for I am humane behind this mask of pretense mortality.
I write because it is one way of telling those people around me that I am alive and I do exist in this blue and green planet, I am not weird, I'm just real... very real, and hurt, walking wounded with tears from my eyes and with a broken smle, but mind you, though my smile is broken, it is definitely real.

Saturday, February 2, 2008

i am a princess and all the girls are. . .